You will never find anything as cool as this. I am slightly disturbed that someone took * a lot *

of time to pull this off. For the love of Squaids!

Anyway...check out the video here..Cress Funeral Home Taxidermy Squirrels (and chipmunks!)

Well P-Diddy Puff face...just when I thought your dumb ass couldn't get any dumber...you go and do this. Shenanigans I say! Your child is 16 years old...why in gods name do you buy him a $360,000 automobile?

I understand that you are a wealthy man, and it makes sense that the children of wealthy men might have nicer things than the rest of us did when we were growing up.....

But seriously, P-fluff....a Maybach? It's a bit extreme. The kid doesn't even have a license yet. Maybe you could have chosen something a bit more conventional. An Escalade, perhaps? Baller Baller? Throw some rims on that bitch and call it good, daddy.

A Maybach is a fine automobile. I don't know that a 16 year old could *truly* appreciate a car like this.

  If everything that is handed to you is something extravagant...you will never really grasp the true value of what things are worth. And one day, that shit will come back on ya.

Anyway. Wanna see what my cars were? I don't have pictures of all the *exact* cars...except for the one I have now. But the makes and models are all the same. Enjoi!

My first car was a 1987 Ford Taurus. Nice on the outside...Nice on the inside...under the hood it was a hot flippen mess. With this car, when it rained it poured. First it was the water pump. Then the oil pump. Then the heater core went out...and I drove around in the winter with my windows rolled down..so the damned thing wouldn't fog up. It was dumb.

My second auto. A 1973 Chevy Cheyenne. However...mine was a farm truck. I bought that sucker for $700 bucks...and I mobbed around in it for 4 years.There wasn't a panel on the thing that wasn't dented or marred. A five gallon bucket of paint was dropped on it....it had been hit by a deer...hit by a tractor...the beast was ugly. But she was my redneck battle truck. She had a 350....and she liked to go on pavement...dirt...mud...

Out of all of my old automobiles...I miss this one the most.

Number 3...a 1973 Coupe De Ville. I called it my CoupeD'Evil. It was a nice car. It was massive. It would glide down the freeway at 100 mph and you thought you were doing 60.

It also cost me 65 bucks to fill the thing. And that was when gas was 1.80. Needless to say I had to sell it. I miss it almost as much as I miss the truck. Almost.

1995 Ford Windstar.

This thing sucked mighty ass. Thats all I have to say about that.

2003 Ford Taurus.

It wasn't nearly as bad as the first. But once shit started going bad...I GTFO.

 

And this is what I drive now. 2005 Chrysler 300 Limited. I love this car. Love it. Everytime I get behind the wheel I love it more than the first time I drove it. The top pic is before the rims...the bottom was right after I put the rims on. This is my *cruising* mobile. I *heart* it. A lot.

What have you owned, car wise?

So...some people know, some people don't, but I have a serious phobia of all things huge and industrial looking. Oil refineries, nuclear power plants, smokestacks, large tubes/piping, tanks, giant watertowers. Basically giant metal/concrete stuff. I don't know why. I get very panicky when  I see such things...my heart races, tears start welling up in my eyes...I start feeling dizzy and sick. Straight panic attacks will follow if I can't get away from them quickly. I realize on some level it is silly...an unnatural fear...but that doesn't stop me from tripping out.

So I went to IKEA today. Dorking around...looking at crap...and for some reason...I decided to look up. The photo above shows what was rotating above my head. It's a *massive* ceiling fan.

I pooped a little.

Conan O'Brien was programmed for Awesomeness.
Jay Leno just isn't that funny anymore.
I just had to put that out there.

Crab Love

Oh....Strawberry Crab....
Never have I been so amused by a Crustacean. Every time I hear your name I can't help but break into a fit of joyous giggles. You make me incredibly happy...even though your brethren scare the shit out of me....you...you my friend make me smile like a young girl on Christmas morning.
How could we have not known you existed?! With all of this technology...you figure that someone would have noticed you by now. With your shell...and your legs....and the fact that in some world, you prolly do kind of look like a strawberry......... kind of....
Your so awesome I can barely stand it.

I could never eat you, Strawberry Crab.
I just want you to know that.
And if I ever get crabs...I hope they are of your variety.

I love you.

What I have Learned

In the end, all you have is your family, friends and memories.

Death is the great equalizer.

The eyes are indeed the window to the soul. Your eyes give away every emotion that you have.

Once you have a child, they ALWAYS come first. Everything you want or need falls to the wayside.

Appreciate what you have while you have it.

Tomorrow is never promised today.

Tell the people you love how you feel about them as often as you can.

Assholes are generally unhappy with their lives. That's why they try to make everyone else's miserable.

People that harbor a guilty conscious will be the first to point their finger.

You can't control anyone but yourself. And sometimes that's damn near impossible.

Patience is indeed a virtue.

Variety is indeed the spice of life. Well, one of the spices. Variety is paprika.

Most dogs just bark. Rarely will they bite. And if they do, bite back.

Living in your own head for too long will make you crazy.

Once you are crazy..it is hard to come back to an even keel. But it can be done.

Don't be afraid to take risks.

Don't be afraid to be the only one dancing. If you dance..other people will follow soon after.

There is no shame in cutting your losses.

Always voice your opinion, even if it is clearly unpopular.

Stand up for what you think is right. Don't be a pussy.

Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

Every once and awhile, do something good for someone else. Anonymously.

Happiness can come in many forms. A belt-fed weapon is one of them.

Don't take your momma for granted. Or anyone for that matter.

People who lie constantly have low self esteem.

When it comes to cops, admit NOTHING.

In the same spirit..it's not stealing..its acquiring.

Family comes in many forms.

Know when to leave it alone.

Know when to push it further.

Sometimes people need to be punched in the face.

Sometimes all they need is a hug.

Know that everything you give will be everything you get, good or bad.

Friends help you move. Good friends help you move bodies:)

Be a big enough person to apologize when you are wrong.

Music is therapy.

Faith and prayer are awesome. The power of the human mind is amazing.

Religion causes the majority of the worlds problems.

Money goes hand in hand with religion.

Most people are afraid to make waves.

Being politically correct takes the fun out of everything.

Boars, Badgers, and Hyenas are the devils work. No, seriously. They will eat your face and not feel bad about it.

If you hear someone say "hey, watch this" followed by "hold my beer" know that something entertaining
and most likely dangerous will be happening very shortly.

A brush with death will bring you closer to life.

Compound fractures make me do the heebie jeebie dance.

Loyalty is a major thing.

You will never make *everyone* happy.

You will never love anyone the way you love your children.

Never ever trust a tweeker.

Always be mindful of your surroundings.

Sea Monkeys!

Last night I was pondering instances from childhood. Strange little memories..most of them chopped up, confused. Little snippets of the past that we all try so desperately to hold on to, the roses among the rocks.
And then..I remembered..

Sea Monkeys!

Ok..we all know what sea monkeys are. They have a little plastic container...you fill that bad boy up with water...and then you dump the "Sea monkey" packet in. After a bit..you see all the monkeys swimming around..

However..they are not monkeys. They are little brine shrimp..and they aren't that exciting at all.
But I remember. I was around 4 or 5...and my older cousin was there. We had gone to the store with my mom...and somehow we had talked her into buying these little guys for us.

When we got home...I ran inside....ripped the package out of the shopping bag....and gazed in awe. I remember the sheer excitement I felt.

Sea Monkeys.

On the package...there were sea monkeys everywhere. A whole village. And they were playing with a beach ball...and building sand castles. Sea Monkey parents were playing with their Sea Monkey children...and they were all having an awesome time.

And these Sea Monkeys were *mine* I was going to have an army of Sea Monkeys. I was going to be the best Sea Monkey keeper in the universe. I would be like a god to them. But a kind god, of course...who loved all of her Sea Monkey Children.

Opening the package...I find a little booklet on how to take care of them...(for such complex creatures...they didn't need much...) and inside the booklet...you could order them toys. Little Sea Monkey beach balls called sea gems....a castle for them to live in..

I was thrilled.
Water in the tank. Mix all of the crap together...
I waited with baited breath.

The next morning...I ran out to the living room. My minions were alive!! But they didn't look like the Sea Monkeys on the package. They were tiny specks...swimming around rather aimlessly. I figured that they were newly born...and it would take them at least a day to reach their full Sea Monkey potential.

They never did.
They stayed small. Aimless. They gave a shit less about their castle. They gave a shit less about everything. They certainly were not building sand castles..or playing with beach balls..they were...
Brine shrimp.

I'm sure if you think on it for a minute...you can come up with about 10 different analogies for this story. Thinking that something is so fantastic...only to be crushed by the hard truth...life's lessons....

And I wish I could say that it was my point.
But in actuality..there was no point.
Just a hopeful little girl.
And her brine shrimp.